Can't lie, I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed. I think I need to set up some new rules for myself. I know that I have been so consumed in myself lately, but yet I feel like I haven't spent anytime on myself at all. I need more uplifting activities that can help me grow for the better. I also need to stop obsessing about the things that I wish I had but can't at this time. And the things that aren't fair... Since I keep running into obstacles that are frustrating or delaying my dreams, well instead of crying, I just need to fit my dreams to my resources and focus on the things I do have. No I probably wont have the wedding that I have always dreamed of, but my Dad probably couldn't have afforded the Saint Patrick Cathedral in New York anyways, or Vera Wang personally making my wedding dress. And so what if I wont be able to get the photographer I wanted, doesn't mean I wont find someone who will take pictures that will be just as good for less money. And my dress could be hand-me-down, I could have only 3 flowers in my bouquet stolen from my neighbors beautiful garden, no centerpieces, my reception could be in a gazebo with park benches and the food could be "bring your own potluck item," with Polaroid disposable cameras ... and I am sure the list could go on and on. Honestly, those material things are nice, but the only person's face I keep seeing with all this planning is James. Deep down I want amazing things, but I am coming to realize the reason I want those things is for him. I want him to have the best wedding HE could ever have imagined. I want him to stand in the most beautiful chapel/beach/park/terrace when I walk down the aisle in an outfit that makes him feel better than James Dean, with his amazing smile and tears in his eyes, and then hand-in-hand meet all my friends and family in the nicest reception with a color scheme and delicious dessert items. I want him to look back at our wedding and only have the fondest memories. There are a million details I know he doesn't care about, and maybe wont even notice when the day comes, but he only deserves the best. I want to give him that. Guess I am just stuck on the when and how...
Alright, so I need to start reading and finishing the books I start to read. I need to stop eating junk and keep up with the work out routines even with out the gym membership. I need less noise of the world and more meditation. I need service. I need a savings account. I need to start preparing for being a wife and a mother like I was in Utah. I need to start really listening and following the Prophet. I need to be nicer at and after work, treating everyone the way they would like to be treated.I need to be a better friend and listener. I need to work on my testimony again, and keep working on it. I need to begin to love myself again.
